A LIfe to Live

A Life to Live – Part I

“Could you explain how you can do that??” I was getting cocky.

The girl in front of me panicked. She stammered and blurted out a few words before settling down to a meek “I am not sure”.

The other members of the interview panel smiled very lightly on seeing the candidate duly put in place.
Although we were looking for an excuse to recruit the candidates, we get charged up when a candidate behaves as if he/she is doing a favour by coming to the interview.
My role was to get the candidate to a balanced state of mind from where we can work on the “real interview”. The girl in front of us was one such candidate.
As the other members continued questioning we realized that the girl was reasonably smart and could do the job if she could stop herself from overdoing the “confidence appeal”.
After five minutes of grueling, the interview was over. We thanked the interviewee and the girl went outside.

“Iam glad we have you in the interview panel”, remarked Baskar.
Our manager nodded in approval with a gentle smile.

It felt nice. My growth in this company has been phenomenal. In no time I have risen to a position where I am included in the interview panel.
Life is good.
Except for the memories of the tragedy that happened a few years back, my life was just about smooth.
I had no indication that it was going to change very soon.

We took a copy each of the Bio data of the next candidate.
I started browsing the paper rather casually until my eyes locked onto the photo of the candidate on the far right.
The name of the candidate read “Archana Stephen”.
So it was confirmed.
I put the papers down and started staring at the window facing the road.

“Is something wrong Subbu??”Bhaskar enquired as he noticed my face going white.
Just then our manager looked at me and asked.
“Is everything alright Mr.Subramaniam??”

“I..Iam………….Iam Ok.
“I mean… Can I go home now??? I think I am not feeling well” I was blabbering like never before.

The manager stared at me quizzically.
“I hope you are not joking Mr.Subramaniam”. There was a tinge of anger in his tone.
“Hey whats wrong da??” bhaskar sounded more empathized and genuinely concerned.

“No nothing.Iam not feeling well. A bit of head ache.I think I might throw up anytime.”
It was the most unconvincing excuse I had ever heard.

The manager was looking hard at me in disbelief for a while.
“Ok, Mr.Subramaniam. You can go now. Please take care of your health”.
“ThankYou Sriram”

I staggered as I got up from my chair.
“Take care da”,remarked Bhaskar as he was looking for an answer in my eyes.
He knew he would know the answer sooner or later.

I came out of the room and was struck by hundreds of prying eyes hoping to get any sort of information. The crowd got back to their curious conversation after a slight commotion.

As I was scanning the crowd as casually as possible, I saw her sitting with couple of other candidates in the sofa placed for the candidates to wait.
She was calmly listening to couple of other people who were discussing about something very seriously. It seemed that she hadn’t noticed me coming out, as she was deeply engrossed in the discussion.
She looked a bit leaner than I had seen her before and her face had a bit more maturity and refinement than what I remembered.
There was something more to the expression in her face, which I couldn’t quite locate.
If the face is the index of someone’s mind, her face was like a page with a simple and abstract design with no content.

I got down the stairs, as I didn’t want to wait for the elevator. My mind was not in my control as I was coming back home.
My mom looked surprised as I entered my home. She peered through her glasses as she was seated in front of the pooja room with a sloka book in her hand and with her lips murmuring the regular verses.
I didn’t say anything. I went straight to my room , got changed to dhoti and came back to the hall.
As I sat on the big swing that was hung in the middle of the big hall and was swaying gently,I heard my mother approaching me.
“Are you alright,I remember you were saying that you will be coming late today.” She enquired as she gave me the tumbler full of hot coffee.

I sipped it gently as I was contemplating whether to tell her or not.
And then I said.

“I saw Archana today ma”.
She stopped on her tracks as she walked to the kitchen and turned back. After recovering from the initial shock, she asked.

“How is she doing?? Did you talk to her”
and then as an after thought she added.
“How is he??”

“I didn’t talk to her ma,she didn’t see me. Only I saw her” I told her as I sipped the coffee with my eyes fixed on the TV which was switched off.

She was standing there looking at me for a while then she went back to the pooja room after taking a deep breath.

Soon I could hear her chant the hymn from the book. The murmurs soon turned to subdued weeping sound as she tried to control her tears.
My mind was thrown back to the events which made me hear the same sound from my mom.

To be continued………….

A Life to Live – Part II

Iam the second child for my parents, after Archana. Archana was elder to me by 4 years. Archana was the one who took care of me when I was young as my mom was diseased for fairly long time during my childhood. She used to feed me, clothe me and put me to sleep when I was a baby.
Its even fair to say that I was attached to her more than I was attached to my mom. I was the apple of her eye and she used to look for me all the time. I used to be with her always and she used to teach me everything she knew. She would even fight for me when I was being bullied by jerks. She used to motivate me a lot and would spend extra hours to make sure that I did well both in studies and other extra curricular activities.
She was brilliant in maths and she used to patiently teach me even when she had exams of her own.
Oh!! How I revered her!
I would turn to my dear Archana Akka* for anything and everything. Be it studies,sports,movies or any other thing under the sun. Being a timid and shy boy I always needed her guidance for every step of my life.

I never kept away from her even when I was advised to stay away from her by my relatives when she had become a “big girl”. I used to play the game of dice with her and her friends all the time.

She was always my dear Archana akka.
The person who can never go wrong.
The person who knew everything under the sun.
The person who will do all she can to see me happy.

My friend
My mentor
My guide
My respected Goddess Saraswathi!!

All that came to a grinding halt one dark day!!
I was studying in 12th standard at that time.
As I returned from my tuition class, I realized that our home was unusually quiet except for the screeching sound of the swing.
As I entered the home my dad was swaying fairly hardly on the swing. I have grown to know that oscillation rate of the swing is directly proportional to my dad’s mood.
I carefully stepped into the hall and saw my mom weeping with the tip of her saree pallu tucked into her mouth.
Archana akka was standing in the corner of the hall busy tearing off her handkerchief with her teeth as she blew her nose from time to time. Her head was hung low and she was facing the floor but I could see that she had been crying hard. There was a noticeable red hand print on her fair skinned cheek clearly signifying that she had been slapped by my dad!!!
I knew right then that something was terribly wrong.
After looking around for 2-3 minutes , I went to my sister and asked.
“What happened Akka??”
She looked upto me slowly and before she could say anything I heard the angry voice of my dad.
“Go to your room and study,Subbu”.
There can be no second thought. I dragged myself into my room.

After a while my mom brought me some coffee. She looked hugely shaken.
“What happened ma?” I enquired.
“You are a small boy. This is a matter better left to elders,” she said as she wiped off the tears from her eyes.

My sister left the house one week after this incident leaving back a short letter, which my dad tore off in a fit of rage.
I later learnt that she had left the home to marry her colleague who was a Christian.
In a conservative Brahmin family like mine where uttering the word “Love marriage” is considered as an ultimate heresy, she had done the most outrageous act by marrying someone from another religion.
All around us we heard jokes from our relatives about how the only daughter of a strict disciplinarian had “run away” with a Christian. Our family had become the laughing stock for the whole relatives circle. We locked ourselves within our homes and didn’t go to any community gathering fearing humiliation. My dad was never the same after this incident and he died within a year more of heartbreak than anything else.
My sister was widely seen as the demon who sucked out the life of my dad. I had to struggle a little after my dad had died, as I had to take care of my education and family responsibilities until I got a job.
I never heard from Archana and I never took any extra effort to find out about her.
I was afraid to take her name in front of my dad and after my father died I was too busy making the ends meet to worry about her.
I always remembered her as a guardian angel who was everything for me during my childhood and I always prayed God to keep her happy in the bottom of my heart.

I was happy with the status quo until I saw her again in the office today, after years.

I wasn’t sure what to do with the current situation. On one hand I was not comfortable with the fact that she was responsible for the death of my dad and on the other hand I felt she was not at fault for anything and I was yearning to see my nephew/niece if she had any kids.

I couldn’t remember when I went to sleep that day but I didn’t realize that I was to be delivered from the predicament into even more heartbreaking news soon.

*Akka - Elder sister
To be continued…………

A Life to Live – part III

I was not my usual cheerful self when I went to office the next day.
Bhaskar came running to my place and said.
“Have you gone crazy?? Why are ruining your career after putting a lot of hard work to build it in the first place. What was wrong with you? Don’t tell me you were sick. Iam not buying it!By the way,the manager wanted to see you. Let me see how you talk yourself out of this!!!”
“Shut up Baskar. Did you select anyone??”
“Yeah , Some Archana Stephen. She has quit her job in Bangalore and has come to Chennai recently. She was ready to join from today itself and we weren’t complaining!!I think she will be inducted today.”
“Where can I find her??”
He looked into his watch.

“She should have returned from induction by now. You can find her in the seat reserved for her position. Why do you ask?? Is it something about the candidate??”
“Will tell you later”, so saying I walked towards her place.

I saw her taking out a photo of a small boy from her box and place it on the table as I entered her cube.
She looked very weak and her shoulders were slumped
She turned back as she heard me coming. She forgot to say anything, as she looked at me in disbelief.
Then the first signs of joy erupted in her face.
“Subbu!!!! How are you doing da???”
Her voice broke off as she got up from her chair. It looked as if tears of joy were going to erupt any moment.
“You have grown up so much, how come you are here??”
She asked as she ruffled my hair with her right hand.
“I work here Akka!”

I simply didn’t know what else to say. I was too over whelmed with emotions to say anything.
“My God !!!! Iam so happy to see you!! How are appa and amma doing???”
“hmmmmmmm… Akka I have to talk a lot to you. Can we go to the pantry??”

We started walking towards the pantry as she enquired about my studies and job.
As we located one of our tables and took our seats,she mentioned.
“Iam so sorry to leave you alone Subbu!!!”
I could see tears in her eyes.
“So how is appa?? Is he still angry with me??”

“We will talk about dad later. How is Attimber*?? When can I meet him??”

Her face suddenly went dull. She looked away towards the door for a while and then said.

“He has left me Subbu
“He died around six months back”
She added as she was trying to stop herself from wailing out aloud.

“What??? Why….I mean..What happened????” I was out of words.

She leaned back on the chair.

“I had told about my relationship to our parents long before you knew about it. Dad was livid. He dismissed the option without even discussing anything. But I used to raise the issue every now and then but never persisted with the discussion as Dad used to get terribly furious and noisy.
“But then Stephen got a better job in Bangalore. I realized that it was time to come to a conclusion and raised the issue one last time. All hell broke loose and there was a huge fight at our home on that day. That was when you knew about the confusion.
I realized our dad would never accept my marriage with Stephen. So I moved over with him to Bangalore where we got married much against the opinion of Stephen. He wanted our marriage only after the comprehensive approval of our parents. I convinced him that they would agree after a few months if we were married.
“Our life was heavenly for some three four months. Then suddenly Stephen got ill and was admitted in a hospital. That was when we got to know about our twisted fate.”

She paused as she tried to control herself and then continued.
“Stephen had been tested HIV positive”
I stared at her in disbelief.
“Stephen had studied in a college reputed for ragging. It was particularly serious in hostels. The seniors make the juniors do unspeakable acts to derive sadistic pleasure. One day he was caught in between a bunch of such seniors. He had to sing and dance for a vulgar song in front of them, as they were lost in drugs. One guy remarked that he wasn’t dancing well and the bunch forcefully injected him with the infected needle.”
She started weeping mildly.
“Stephen had come back to his hometown soon after this incident. The problematic students were arrested soon after that as one of the juniors had committed suicide unable to take the disturbance from seniors. He went back to the college after one whole month during which the authorities had become stricter towards ragging and he soon forgot about the incident.
“He never knew that the needle was HIV infected and he never knew that he had contracted the AIDS virus. “
“My God!! How can you be so cruel!!!” I told myself!!

Just then it hit me!!
“Akka!!! Does that mean………”
She looked at with glistened eyes and smiled faintly!!

“Yes Subbu,I have contracted the virus from him”
I felt like thousand lightnings passing through me.
My Akka has AIDS.
My only sister whom I revere as Goddess has got AIDS. My guardian angel who brightened my day is dying!!!
“My God !!!!What kind of sadist are you!!! Why do you have to punish good people??
What motivation is there to live if you keep disproving “Cause and effect” time and again.
I closed my face with both my hands!! I couldn’t face her. I could control my tears but I tried very very hard to stop myself from crying out loud.

I wanted to comfort my sister. I wanted to lend her my shoulder to cry. I wanted to serve her and protect her from the perils of the world. I wanted to cover her with my blanket of affection and keep her away from any more sorrow. I wanted to cleanse her off the depression and freshen up her with laughter!!!
I wanted to go back in time.
I wanted her to teach me maths again. I wanted her to shoo off her friends as they tease me for being with my sister all the time.
I want you akka!!!
I want you to live.
I want you to live happily.
Somehow all my words seemed to have no meanings at all!

To be continued………………

* Attimber à Brother – in - law

A Life to Live – Epilogue

“Why didn’t you tell us all this???” I asked her
“How can I tell you?? I thought I had given you enough pain already so I didn’t want to bother you guys any more!!”

“And that boy” I was reminded of the photo she was placing on the table when I went to her place.
“Its my son Suresh.My worry is about what will happen to him when I am gone from this world.” She replied.
“Don’t worry Akka , I shall take care of him. I shall take care him like you took care of me”so saying I held her shoulder with my hands as if to comfort her.
“Thanks Subbu” she touched my left hand with her right hand with gratitude in her voice


I brought her home that day and she lived with me for the rest of her life. Suresh was a delightful little kid and I could see all the brilliance of his mom in him. Incidentally that day was the last day she ever cried in her life. I made sure she got all the happiness she could have ever wanted.
I took her all the places she ever wanted to visit. I made her the best possible cuisine she might want to taste.
I bought her the best dresses and jewellery any woman could ask for. I made sure she lived a queen’s life until she died.
My sister died a peaceful death 5 years after she came to our house. Usually HIV infected people live a normal life until they are affected by any disease. Only after they get any disease they become weak and wage a losing battle, as their antibodies don’t work. That’s when they officially have AIDS. So technically you don’t have AIDS even if you have HIV virus in your system, provided if you do not any disease.
In my sister’s case, she had been infected TB from her husband so she didn’t live longer.
But before she died, she had drastically changed my life.
She made me realize the purpose of my life.

Whenever I see a destitute woman, I see the pain of my sister in her eyes. Whenever I see orphaned children, I can only think of Suresh. Whenever I see any socially challenged people yearning for company, I remember the days of loneliness my sister had to go through.
I realized that it is my duty to do whatever I can possibly do, to help the needy in whichever little way possible. I started a small organization called “Nesam*” with regular sponsors and some enthusiastic volunteers from my company.
We process educational requests, medical requests and help them with the funds we get. We have organized weekend visits to destitute homes and orphanages where our volunteers give company to the lonely and put smiles in people’s faces. I myself go to a trust, which takes care of children born to HIV infected parents.
We know that we might never be able to cater to all but that is not going to stop us from doing whatever little we can do.
I know God has given me this life for a purpose and I have identified what life I am going to live.

The End.
*Nesam – roughly translates to affection , in tamil.

Final Word

Final word – part I

I was falling uncontrollably. I could feel the gravity sucking me to the ground. The rate at which I was falling was increasing with the time. All I could see was frames of trees, farms and all other greenery in the area, which revolved around at a crazy speed. Suddenly I felt a scratch between my stomach and rib cage. And soon there were scratches all over my body. The pain was spreading like wild fire as the rough leaves and branches of a tree brushed past me as I fell into it. Then I felt a little twig passing right through my left eye and hitting the bottom of the eye cavity. Before I could scream in pain there was huge blow to my right shoulder as it hit a strong branch of the tree.



I woke up shivering.
God!!
What a nightmare. I knew dreams can be realistic but can you even feel the pain???
The sights, the smell, the feeling, the butterflies in the stomach, everything was so very real.

I looked at the clock. It was 10.13 am. There goes my sleep for the day.
I had returned home after a strenuous night shift and was trying to get some shuteye. I have been getting such dreams lately.
Weird dreams
Wild dreams
Crazy dreams
Haunting nightmares!!!!

I felt a burning sensation in my eyes and there was a searing headache. I felt as if thousand men beat me up. I was extremely extremely tired (the repetition of the word extremely is intentional).
I lazily brushed my teeth and climbed down the stairs to the hall. The breakfast tasted strange, as I had just brushed my teeth. I switched on the TV. The eyes were very sore and I walked up to the mirror to find that they were red. I slowly remembered the tough time I had at work, the previous night. I closed my eyes as I tried to take it off my mind.

Just then, the telephone rang.

“Hello”
“Hi vivek, its me da”, it was my friend Praveen.

“Oops,sorry da!! I just realized you are having night shift,did I wake you up??” he added.

“Its Ok, I myself woke up just now. You know I can’t sleep in daytime.”
“Nothing da, I just called to tell you buy one extra roll of film for me. I will be coming directly from office and I don’t think I will have the time”
“Sure boss, will do that”
“And….…..that’s it man!!! I am really excited!! And take good rest, you will need all your energy”, I could hear him smile.
“Sure man”, I replied tiredly.
“Chalo Bye then”
“Bye”

The placed the receiver back in its place. We were planning for a trip to Yercaud for a long time. And after a lot of postponing we finally got it right and we had planned to leave that evening. I was fairly excited myself. It would be a welcome break from my tight work schedule. Also I had an uncontrollable desire to visit Yercaud, brewing up in my mind lately.

We all met in the railway station that evening.
We had planned to take a train to Salem and then will reach Yercaud by road.
There were three of us.
Myself, Ravi and Tamizhchelvan(called as Selva).

Praveen joined us late, as usual.

As the train started chugging along, the reality of a vacation dawned upon me and my heart was filled with joy triggered by the expectations.

I realized the hope of happiness and fun is the biggest contributor of happiness. In reality, there is no such thing as happiness. It’s just the hope of better things to come that gives us the happiness most of the times.

“When shall we reach Salem da”,I enquired.
“Dunno boss,think around 5.00 am”,replied Ravi.
“Good”, I replied.

I was still feeling fairly tired. I was thinking whether I should sleep. I was afraid of getting one those weird dreams again.


To be continued…………

Final Word – part II

“Ok guys,think I will have a bit of a shut eye” I declared as I was got up from my seat.
Praveen laughed out loud.
There was a chuckle from Selva and Ravi didn’t seem like he understood what I said.
“Don’t try to funny Vivek,you don’t have the talent to be funny.”,that was Ravi.
“I am not trying to be!!!I really want to sleep.” I replied.

The guys were not in a mood to hear any of it.
“Don’t be silly Vivek” Ravi advised as he took out the pack of cards from his bag.

The whole night we were playing various games with the cards. Soon we got bored with one and jumped to another and finally settled to the game of “7 cards”. We were playing late into the night and soon we chatted and Praveen even started singing much to the discomfort of the other passengers in the coach. Luckily he was singing in a fairly unobtrusive volume so nobody bothered to complain.
Finally when we felt like we should sleep, we were very closer to Salem and in no time at all we had to wake up as the train had reached Salem.

We liked the peaceful station with no bugging porters. Once we were out of the station we booked a cab and set out to Yercaud.
I found the scenery changing quite smoothly as the car started climbing up the hilly region. I found the place to be beautiful in its own way. It was not a cultured beauty as in Ooty but it had the charm of wild and uncontrolled youth.
We got dropped in the TTDC hotel and found our way to the cottages. After a brief rest we went out for sight seeing and visited a few places, which were different vantage points from where we got breathtaking view of the hills. In the evening we went for boating in the lake, which was very close to our hotel. The day was amazingly enjoyable. But all through the day I felt as if somebody was monitoring me and I even felt I saw a girl clad in red salwar everywhere I went. She wouldn’t be there when I would want to have a good look but I felt she was always there in the vicinity.
After a long day we chatted for sometime and settled to the beds at 11.15pm.I slowly fell asleep.

The air was very cold. I was not shivering but I was not comfortable with the coldness around. I rubbed my palms and hugged myself. I wasn’t sure where I was but the place was strangely familiar. Since it was just one night after the full moon night everything around me was very clearly visible in spite of the darkness of the night. I wandered a while between the greenery and trees and then I saw her.
She was sitting with her back towards me. The breeze lightly disarranged her long hair every now and then .It looked as if she was wearing a red salwar although it looked a lot darker in moonlight. I suddenly remembered that the height and weight of this girl was the same as the one whom I noticed in quite a few places I went during the day.
I went near her.
“Hello” I called out as I walked towards her.
She didn’t respond.
“Hello madam!! Can you hear me??” by this time I was very close to her.
I touched her shoulder as if to beckon her.

She turned around very slowly.
My God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her eyes were huge and ghastly. I could see the lines of the arteries very very clearly in one of the eyes. The other eye was half closed. But it looked very very dark, like it was fully red due to some injury,just that I couldn’t see the colour due to the darkness.
There was a deep cut extending right from the bottom-left corner of the nose to her right temple passing right between her right-eye, which had this injury. It didn’t look like anybody could have survived such an injury or rather sit calmly in a park with such injuries. The skin of her face was ghostly white and it even looked like it had decayed a little. The hair was badly disarranged and the strands wildly strung across everywhere adding to the goriness.
The left eye, which was the only operational eye, showed some emotion as she looked at me.
My heart had forgotten to beat. After a few seconds I realized I had stopped breathing and started taking short gasps. I was terrified more than I can ever put in words. I wanted to run away from the place as soon as possible but I was paralyzed.

“Why????” she coldly asked me. Her voice had a metal tinge to it and a lightning of fright ran through my body.
“I……………….I ……………….Iam…………………” there was just air coming out of my mouth. I stopped as my lungs ran out of air after a few seconds.

“Why?????? Why did you kill my baby??I trusted you so much and I gave up so much for you but how could you do this to me????????????why????????????????”

She suddenly got violent and caught hold of my shirt collars with her over grown nails and started shaking me violently.
That was the point when I jerked back to reality!!!!!!!!
It took me a while to realize that I was not in a dream. The realization added up some more fear to the already frightened mind. I forcefully removed her hands from my shirt. I felt as if her hands were a little sticky!!!

Then I screamed like hell and started running away from her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I ran away I can hear that spine chilling voice in the back.
“Where are you running????You can never escape from me shankar!!!!!!!!!!!!I will have my revenge!!!!!!!!!”
After running for a while I was into the main road and I could see the lake where we went boating that evening. I realized I was just out of “Anna Park” which was near the lake. I could quickly visualize where my hotel would be. I have to cover a few meters on the road along the lake and I shall reach the hotel. I started running wildly on the lonely road. I didn’t know what time was it but I figured it should be well past midnight. I turned back to see a “lady in salwar” some 50 meters away, inching towards me.
My heart skipped a beat. I started running faster even though I was struggling to breath. When I entered the hotel I turned back again only to see the same shadowy figure taking a turn to the street !!!!!!!!!!!
I rushed past the reception and straight to our cottage. I knocked at the door frantically.
“Praveen!!!!!!!!!!Ravi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!somebody get up !!!!!!!!!!!!” I shouted at the top of my voice.
I turned back with my heart beating at the fastest rate. I half expected to see the red salwar lady approaching towards me but there was none.
Just then I heard the door being opened.
It was Praveen with his eyes half open without able to withstand the light.
I almost knocked him off as I rushed past him into the room!!!!!!!!

“Quick!! Quick!!!!!!!!!! Bolt the door!! Bolt the door da! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I was shivering and was sweating profusely and was gasping for air.

“Hey Idiot!! What the hell are you doing in the middle of the night???” that was Praveen as he came back to the bed after bolting the door. The other two were busy sleeping.

“No da!!!I … I ………I just went for a walk” I didn’t know what else to tell him!!
“And what??? You saw a ghost???? What a wimp!!!!! Go get some sleep “ he was dismissive as he wanted to catch up with his sleep.

“Noooooooooo”I cried as he tried to switch off the lights.
“What?? I want to sleep” Praveen was clearly irritated.

“No……. I mean…….I am gonna stay awake for a while…..”
He looked at me confused and then retired to bed, as he was too sleepy to argue.

I tried very hard to remember how I found myself in Anna Park But I could not remember anything. I was half expecting the lady to come past the bolted door and strangle me!
I was too frightened to sleep. The ghastly face flashed in my mind whenever I closed my eyes.

To be continued……………..
Final Word – part III

I entered the home.
“Gowri I am home”, I declared as I removed my shoes.

“Iam a little busy here,could you please see how vinodh is doing??”
Vinodh was sleeping in the cradle and was making some weird noises.
It looked as if he was on the verge of crying.

I stared at the baby for a while and entered the kitchen.
Gowri was preparing chapatthis. I hugged her from the back.
“Hey leave me,what are you doing in the kitchen???”
“Iam just hugging my wife in my home, why should it matter whether its hall or kitchen??”
so saying I kissed on her left shoulder.
“hey!!!! Your moustache is pricking” she said with her girlish voice as she wriggled in my grasp.
Just then there was a noise from the hall.
The baby had started crying.
“Ohohohooooooo,what has happened to my sweet vinodh!!!!!!!” so saying Gowri rushed to the hall after forcefully removing herself from my arms.
I felt so cheated. The baby was bugging me big time!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hey Vivek,wake up!!!!!” it was Praveen.
I woke up with a jerk.so it was all a dream???
how real!!
I remembered all the occurrence of last night!!! I involuntarily shivered a moment. What an terrifying experience. I should have fallen asleep sometime after coming back.
“Hey did you go outside sometime last night??? I vaguely remember opening the door for you but don’t remember anything more!“ Praveen was enquiring.
Good he doesn’t remember much.
“Hmmm.……yes da. I went out for a short walk”
I didn’t tell him anything more.He didn’t bothered to ask.

That day we had planned to visit “Killiyoor falls”.We took an auto and the auto wallah dropped us in a place and said the remaining distance need to covered only by trekking. The way looked very remote steep.
“I think this would be quite an adventure” Ravi remarked.
“It’s a lot better now Sir,they are laying railings of some kind.Earlier there was nothing.The visitors were few and the path was not very well identified. It used to be quite a bit risky.”

I was not talking. Even though this is my first visit to Yercaud, I felt that I had been to this place before.
My mind was not in my control. I felt as if it was taken over by some entity, which was deciding what to think and what to do. And slowly I remembered everything.

I was called Shankar in my previous birth and I was born and brought up in Coimbatore. I was the only son of the owner of a very famous cotton mill. I had never tasted failure. I didnt know the meaning of the word misery and I can never relate with the term “try again” as I used to get everything the moment I asked. I met Gowri in college.It was love at first sight and after a bit of hesitation Gowri agreed. We roamed around Coimbatore and I can bet that we had visited most of the cinema theatres in the place.
Soon our parents got to know about it and there was trouble and our parents were very very adamant. My parents relented after a while but her parents never seemed to budge. And they made a huge mistake. They secretly arranged for her marriage and before I knew it she was married to some guy in Madurai.
I was totally broke.I was roaming around dejected trying to wash away my memories but I couldn’t. That was when I decided that I will have her back. I went to Madurai and met Gowri privately in a retaurant.
She was startled at my suggestion. She gave me a lecture about Indian tradition and all that crap. But I was unconvinced. And then she told me that she is pregnant. I was unruffled. “Just get a divorce from that guy”I said “and marry me”. She walked out.

But I never relented. I used to meet her whenever possible and push her to take the decision. And soon her husband got to know about me and life became hellish for her.
Her husband used to come home drunk and would beat her; abuse her even though she was pregnant. What a sick guy!!!!!!
Gowri couldn’t take the abuse and harsh words and one fine day she agreed to get a divorce and marry me.
I had enough money and power to silence anybody but Gowri’s parents were totally taken aback. They totally washed their hands off their daughter and Gowri became my wife with the infant. The baby was mentally disabled, all due to the mental torture Gowri had to go through during her pregnancy.

The next few months were perfect. But celebrating my honeymoon with some guy’s baby was not something I enjoyed a lot. Also the baby reminded me of that guy all the time. I realized that the baby is the only thing in the world that prevents Gowri’s full attention towards me.

A male lion would kill all the cubs when it takes over the territory of another lion. This is to make sure that the lioness is dependant on him to sustain the species.

I had made my decision.

I meticulously planned for our trip to Yercaud. I vividly remember the visit to Killiyoor falls.

Inspite of Gowri’s concerns I took her to the falls and volunteered to carry the baby.
And when she was little away from me I threw the baby away with my very own hands.

Gowri came running towards me on seeing me without the baby.
“What happened?? Where is the baby? What happened to my vinodh”
I didn’t say anything and was looking to the drop with confusion.

“Oh no!!!!!!!!!! my vinodh……….. my baby……………oh my god!!!!!!!!! Somebody help!!!!somebody get my baby!!!!!!!!!!!! VINODH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
She was getting very very restless and was losing her balance .
I caught hold of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hey , cool down,the baby is gone . there is nothing we can do about it!!! You have got me!!! Its just an accident”

“You killer !!!!!! you always hated the baby and now you have dared to cold bloodedly murder my baby!!!!!!!!!! You demon!!!!! You are pure evil!! I will never forgive you!!!!”

She was getting more and more uncontrollable.
“Yes I did!!!! I killed the baby ,so what?? We can have any number of kids we want. Don’t you see why I did this?? I did this for us!!!!!!!!! I did it for our love!!!!!!! I thought the baby would compromise our love!!!!!”

She stopped suddenly and looked at me with confusion.
“Is that it??? Is it why you killed the baby?? You killed the baby because you doubted my love?? You killed the baby because you lost confidence in out love???
I don’t want to talk to you ever in my life. Leave me. Don’t touch me”

So saying she forced herself away from me and started running on the steep tracks.

“Gowri!!!!!!!wait!!!!!! Gowri it is a dangerous place” I ran after her.

After running a few paces she lost balance and she fell!!!!!!
“Gowri!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I screamed and watched her tumbling down the hills on the way to certain death.
I wanted to do a thousand things at that time but all my body was numb.

I quietly went back to the hotel. Took my car. Went back to Coimbatore and shot myself.


I was sitting right on the tracks and my friends were nowhere in sight. Think they didn’t notice that I had stayed behind.
Gowri appeared before me with the red salwar and the injured eye.

“You killer!!!!!!!!! You killed my baby!!!!!!!!!” so saying she started strangling me violently.
I was gasping and was trying to free myself from her clutches. As I tried doing that my weight shifted to my left and I tried to catch hold of a plant. It snapped and my foot slipped on the muddy surface. I fell down and started tumbling down the hill.

Soon I was falling uncontrollably. I could feel the gravity sucking me to the ground. The rate at which I was falling was increasing with the time. All I could see was frames of trees, farms and all other greenery in the area, which revolved around at a crazy speed. Suddenly I felt a scratch between my stomach and rib cage. And soon there were scratches all over my body. The pain was spreading like wild fire as the rough leaves and branches of a tree brushed past me as I fell into it. Then I felt a little twig passing right through my left eye and hitting the bottom of the eye cavity. Before I could scream in pain there was huge blow to my right shoulder as it hit a strong branch of the tree.

That was the last sensation I ever felt. And then there was peace.

The End

Lights Camera Action

I had written this to my friends as a summarization of our work for the short film and as a remembrance for their efforts.

Thought some of you might want to read it!!!

We have won the second prize!!!!!!!!!

There was joy ,there was jubilation and we were jumping all around.

I smiled.
It was one of those smiles where every inch of the lip movement is an involuntary reaction to the uncontrollable outburst from the heart. It was a smile where you forget about your not so perfect teeth and smile without any concern about your looks. It was a smile where the edges of lips hopelessly tries to expand more and regretfully stops somewhere near your ear all the while cursing the limitation of human body.

A smile,
Celebrating the magic of friendship.
A smile,
Reaffirming the sincerity and sheer hard work.
A smile,
Proving the power of teamwork.
A smile,
Reflecting the confidence in life and acknowledging the sign of better things in this unforgiving world.

A smile that knocks the doors of your eyes looking for tears of joy!!!!!!!

(Somebody stop this guy!!!)
Ok!!
So much for a smile , let me get to the point..
On September 9th , a bunch of “happy go lucky” software professionals (and one happiest go luckiest HR person! J)Were gathered in MC room, bldg number 1, second floor, Infosys, Sholinganallur campus.

The occasion????

The screening and the announcement of results of the short film competition with the title “Community empathy and Social consciousness”

My mind rewinded back to the first meeting of this team. We had come to the meeting based on a post in BB.
“No!! We are not gonna show a usual issue thing!! The one where we see a touchy depiction of some social evil and accusing the audience of all problems and eventually making them feel bad for watching the film. We are not gonna be problem pundits !! We are gonna be solution sheiks!! We are not gonna show what you have not done.We are gonna show what you CAN do!!”
The words echoed in my ears!! This was the unanimous decision we took at the end result of our brainstorming.
What a refreshing thought!!

I knew we had won it right then! We had won in deciding the right concept and outlook of the film.

The next Monday there was a flurry of emails. A few of us had written scripts and had made a few stories (quite a few INKers in the group so it was obvious that we were never gonna run out of stories).
We met again and finalized the story. The readiness with which people agreed to unanimously decide on a story amazed me. All of these guys were proven storytellers but they agreed not to press on with their story and willfully accepted one of the many good ideas and wanted to go forward.
I knew we had won it right then! We had won in killing our ego (creators have a biiiiiiiiiig ego,trust me!! J), and work towards a common goal.

Soon we decided on our roles and started looking for people to act in our movie. After a few auditions we narrowed down the actors/actresses.
Soon it was time for shooting. The first day we decided to shoot at a beautiful road in Annanagar and “Jeevika-a home for the aged and destitute“ with a simple handy cam without even a tripod.
My God!!!!!!
The ideas started pouring like I never imagined. We shall zoom from here and then pan it across to there and then zoom out and then this that blah blah!!! Now we were in a fix!!!
Which idea to decide on?? We only have five minutes and five thousand to show our movie and all these ideas are enough to make five movies!!!!!!!!! Perhaps we had too many people with lots of ideas.
Compromises had to be made, pride had to be swallowed and the sweltering heat added to fatigue didn’t help much. There were times when the frustration and irritation threatened to erupt and destroy the setting like an ugly volcano destroying a peaceful village. But common sense prevailed.
By the time we went back to our homes at 11-11.30 on that Saturday night, we had shouted, thought, argued, decided, walked, ran, taught, negotiated, imagined, traveled like no other day.
As all this happened with the veil of making a movie, when the veil was removed, the enormity of the efforts settled on our bodies as pain and tiredness with the sweet feeling of achieving something!! It wasn’t entirely peaceful sleep for all!! Some had to get up early next morning to go office on a shift on that Sunday. (duty calls, sometimes it orders too!! J)
After another day of hectic shooting, the cast and the crew heaved a sigh of relief.

“Substantial amount of work is done”, someone remarked with a tone of satisfaction.

I heard a smirk from somewhere. I didn’t realize at that time, that it was God laughing at our innocence.


To be continued……………..
It was then time for editing!!!!!!

A bunch from the team went to the studio located in Kodambakkam.
What an incredible experience!!! The magic of movie making spread before our eyes as the professional started to isolate the shots and started putting them in place!!!!
And as we guided him through, we ended up with one single piece with the whole flow. But before that we had to decide the right “take” to include and had to regretfully exclude some very good shots.
Now we have a problem!! The film was supposed to be just 5 minutes and we had lot more than 5 minutes to our footage. We had to cut out a few shots!!!
But which one????
It was like asking a sculptor which part of the torso can be cut of his beautiful sculpture!!

Sacrifices had to be made. Scenes for which we had to toil in terms of acting,lighting,camera angles etc etc had to be cut. It got harder as we started nearing 5 minutes and the last two minutes were the most painful.
In the end we had a film for 5 minutes without any sound. We were fairly satisfied but what is this??? Not many outsiders were able to understand it!!!!!!!!!! L

What could be wrong??? Why isn’t the flow very understandable?? Is it because there is no sound?? Should there be another round of editing??? That will be extra money!!!!, not to mention the time and effort. In the end we decided to make a small change in editing and go ahead with the dubbing!!

The effect of sound to a non-talkie is amazing; no matter how much you can imagine its importance.
The actors gave their voices to the characters as their “astral projections” moved on the screen.
The tweaking, the fine tunings, the adjustments we made to each and every dialogue was to be seen to be believed.
It was 2-3 am , by the time the dubbing was over. We went back sleeping to the nearest shelter available to get a shut eye. The eyes got “shut down“ very soon but not the minds. The movie played over and over in our dreams.

“What time is it ????
Its time for MUSIC!!!!!!!!!”

Creating music is always a challenge. Creating it for a movie, tougher!!
Creating it for a five-minute movie so that it brings out the essence of the message??
Forget it boss!! J

It was with these constraints, our music director started his musical venture. When it was over we were bowled over by the originality and serenity of the music.

The movie was played to few outsiders again and this time almost everyone liked and most importantly understood it!! J
Feedbacks were implemented and our movie was ready.
We made our posters and by this time, the date for submission had arrived. We submitted our movie and our fingers were crossed. Some of us even crossed our hands and legs.

Before we could realize it was 9th September , the day when the results were to be announced.
We gathered in MC room, where all movies were to be screened and the results were to be announced.
As the movies were screened one by one, I personally felt that our movie was more complete than any other movie in terms of story, screenplay, acting, originality in music, message etc.
And then the announcement came.

We have won the second prize!!!!!!!!!


Take a bow Sudharshan, for your neat camera work .
Take a bow Venu, for your camera work, non-intrusive guidance and millions of other incredible things you did for the film, which I won’t be able to mention, due to the sheer enormity of it!!
Take a bow Deepak, for your great work with the story/script and wonderful direction.
Take a bow Megh, for your beautiful music and your inputs to help us narrow down the concept.
Take a bow Vidhatri, for your effort in direction and the time you spent in finalizing logistics and locations.
Take a bow Vineetha, for your encouraging leadership and your unstinted help and support all the way through.

Take a bow
Imay (Rishab)
,Neena (Suprita)
,Madhu (Caretaker)
,Swetha (Anjali)
,Saurabh (Vivek)
,Santhosh (Shaam)

for your mature acting and the receptiveness with which you took our inputs without any ill feeing.

We have won in making an impact in the competition.
We have won in presenting a sound and practical idea.
We had won when we succeeded in making this movie with absolutely no exposure in limited time.
We had won when we juggled our time and made sure we don’t compromise on the quality of the movie all the while dutifully working in the office.
But more importantly,
If the message reaches the audience and if they spend a minute thinking about the topic,
We have won a prize, which cannot be matched by any other.

Thanks for the fun,
Thanks for the experience,
Thanks for the sweet pains,
Thanks for the exhilaration,
Thanks for the smiles,
Thanks for the tears (of joy)
(fine fine!! I will stop!!!! J)

Thanks for everything.
Good luck,
Bye

Special Thanks :
SNEHAM
and
Manimegalai, Jeevika-a home for the aged and destitute (Padur)(little girl in the movie)
,Mr.Subramaniam ,Caretaker, Jeevika-a home for the aged and destitute (Padur)

The end. (its about time anyway!!!!!! )

Perfect Imperfections

Perfect Imperfections
********************

I finished drafting my mail to onsite. It would be hard for any outsider to believe the cycle of emotions I go through during the process. I looked at my watch. I realized there was enough time to go to the canteen and have a quick bite, by the time I get a reply to my mail.As I walked towards the canteen, I saw Mahesh sitting alone in one of the tables outside the canteen. I was expecting to bump into him in the canteen.
He usually takes a break at this time.He was looking somber as he sipped his juice with his eyes aimlessly fixed at distant clouds.

I felt sad to see a chirpy character like Mahesh reduced to such a state. I shook my head with the realization that office life has taken its toll.I approached him from the back and patted on his shoulders.“Why hero!!! You looking so glum!???”He turned back with a jerk and then his mannerism went back to the “laid back” style once again.“Hi da”, his words were lifeless.“My God!!! You look like the way Ricky Ponting would look if he loses the Ashes series”, I exclaimed as I took a chair.He smiled briefly and said ”Nothing da, tough times” He took a sip. “In project” then he added.“Don’t worry boss !!! Everyone one of us get into tough times” I tried to cheer him up.“Yeah!!! and Iam the only one who never gets out of it!!!” he sounded genuine.I realized any more talk of project or work is not going to improve things.So I decided to change topic.

“Hey know something?? You know our training batch mate Neha ?? Somebody actually proposed to her last week. Can you believe that?? Ha ha ha”, I grinned widely.He looked at me stunned for a while.“Really?? Hmmmm….Who ????”I knew I had got his attention.“That she didn’t tell, can you believe that?? I refused to talk with her!! How can she not tell me!!! After all, I am such a close friend of her”, I liked the way the conversation was going.“Girls are always like that da, they are very secretive” he suddenly seemed to have lost interest and continued to look at the oblivion.“Weird bunch da, you know what?? She actually rejected him”I continued.
He smiled with minimal facial movement and said “hmmmm”“That’s the strangest part da!! She said the guy was actually perfect guy , smart,well mannered and all and still she didn’t like him”“People’s tastes are different da” he sounded as if it was the most obvious thing on earth.“What nonsense?? You have got someone with all the right qualities ,then why cant you like him”, I was getting louder.“You might like a person for that person’s qualities but might not love him or her da” he replied with his usual calm style. “But this is ridiculous na!! I mean , how can you not love a person when he or she is perfect” I was adamant.He started smiling wider.

“Imagine you have a business proposal with all the right ingredients. Right client profile , right revenue generating model, good scope for repeat business and all. Won’t you accept that offer without any questions???”I looked at him puzzled.He paused for a while as he looked away.And then he turned towards me and said.“You think love is same as that????” now he was looking straight into my eyes. I was speechless. Whatever he said seemed to convey a very strong and acceptable truth but my mind wasn’t able to process the message.“What are trying to say boss??”the confusion in my voice was unmistakable.“Listen man. Love is not something we can understand with any other general pattern in this world. It’s a totally different concept. It’s not just about roaming about with your partner, celebrating honeymoon in scenic location, having kids , raising them , and then dying at last with quarrels and confusions in between. This you can have with any person. And doing this is all the more easier with the “perfect person” you were talking about. Neha could have agreed to that person if this is what love is.”I nodded my head very slowly. He continued.“But I believe love is something different. Its a feeling caused by divine intervention da. You can’t force yourself to love someone nor can you make someone to love you forcefully. That’s why we say we fall in love. It’s not our choice. If Neha does not feel love towards that person, she cant agree to his proposal just because he has all the right credentials. She can agree only if she feels the love as that guy does. Otherwise the guy has to simply accept the fact and get on with his life. It’s not perfect, it’s not fair, but this is life!! And we can only hope to learn to get used to it.”I was look down in the floor thoughtfully.“Ok boss I have to leave now, got a lot of work,Bye”, he got up and started walking.I wished him good-bye and started staring into my juice without drinking!!I looked up on hearing a ruffle nearby. I saw Neha talking to one of her friends. She was saying something to her and then her friend left. Then she turned and started walking towards me. My mind started recollecting the events of the previous evening.
************************************************************************

Both of us were sitting exactly in the same table.
“Whats wrong Neha?? Why are you so dull??” I enquired.
She didn’t reply for a while and then she said.“He proposed to me last week CVR”I leaned back on the chair.“I told you na this would happen???? I expected this to happen long back……..hmmm”I was sounding as unsurprised as possible.
“But I didn’t expect this!!! How could you guess? ”she was sounding genuinely surprised.“It was so obvious madam!!! How can you not see it??” there was more impatience in my voice than I would have wanted.I didnt say anything for a while“So you rejected him?” the tone in my voice was more of a statement than a question.
“Of course CVR!!! I dont even have 1 percent of love towards him and then how can I accept???” she retorted as if she was waiting to hear my question.“You did the right thing, if you don’t have the same feelings ,then it is better to let him know clearly and as early as possible than to prolong his pain.” I was at my empathetic best.There was silence for a while.“How did he take it??” I was curious.“He didnt say anything. He just asked is this what you feel and after I said yes he just said I am sorry and went back.”“Hmm…….nice chap” I blurted out .“I feel so sorry for him. I don’t want him to think he is inferior in anyway!! Its just that I don’t feel ……… “ she was out of words.“hmmmmmm………….. don’t worry I will talk to him” I assured her.“Noooooo… you will end up making him more upset”she replied.“Trust me! I will be discreet” I made sure that I sounded as convincing as possible.
************************************************************************
My thought was broken by Neha’s voice.“So you talked to him??” she was anxious to know.
Only then I realized that she had walked to my place and had sat in front of me.“yeah!!! Don’t worry he is more matured than I thought”,I replied.“Good….”she leaned in the chair as a sign of satisfaction with my reply.“But he was looking so dull and upset” she asked as she suddenly remembered it“Of course!! Remember that he is going through one of the painful moments in his life. Its natural to be depressed. But don’t worry, he will get over it pretty soon. And try not to contact him unnecessarily”“hmm.yeah” she nodded in acceptance.“Ok madam!! Time for me to leave” so saying I got up from the chair.“ok bye!! And thankyou so much CVR” she replied.“hey come on!! Its nothing” so saying I started walking towards my building.

I couldn’t help feeling sad about Mahesh’s position as I was walking towards my building. Then I remembered that I would have got a reply for my mail from onsite by now. I started walking faster.
The End

Destination Unknown

Destination Unknown – part I


It was a beautiful Saturday morning. I was basking in the chillness of the early morning. I have always thought God gives me a lot of troubles to keep me down but he has also given me enough blessings to forget about them for a while. I have been trying to count them all and appreciate each one of it!!!

I noticed that the flowering plants that were hanging in our balcony were looking dry. I decided to water them. As I was watering I could see that one of the plants had a bud, which would bloom today. Another one of His blessings! I called out to my mom informing her about the new addition to the decorations in our house.
She was busy cooking. She gave a half reply that sounded like “Oh Good”.
Then she remembered something.

“When are you leaving???” she enquired.
“Around 9oclock ma!!” I replied.

I had planned to make use of my leave and had planned to meet my friend Sathish.
He was working as a doctor in a hospital nearby.

After a kingly breakfast I got on my bike. As I took the turn to the support road from the main road, my mind was full of the pleasant days my friend and me had spent together. We have been friends right from school days. He was easily the most brilliant guy in the class and he had chosen medicine befitting his caliber. I had decided to be an engineer.

He had told me in which department he was in and he had also told me how to reach there. So I wasn’t lost when I entered the hospital building. I looked at the drawing that had the directions, in the reception and figured I have to enter into the next building.
As I was walking in the corridor, noting the number and names written on top of the various rooms, I saw her.

There were so many people standing at the entrance of the room in front of which she was standing but she looked clearly noticeable amidst the crowd.
She was wearing a light bluish green churidhar, which was more of a blue than green. She looked very tired and weak and it looked her slender body was going to faint any second. There were tears in her eyes and she was watching into the room.
I saw an elderly lady breaking up and starting to wail silently with the tip of her saree pressing against her mouth.

Even though it looked as if the girl had been crying, there was an unexplainable expression on her face. There was no anxiety and instead I could see the peace and serenity, which was not there in the faces of the other people around her. She was very fair and even a bit pale. I could see that she was not related to any other person in the crowd. She was just standing there as if nothing existed in the world and there was none around her. It was just she and her thoughts.

Suddenly I felt a tinge of sorrow and I felt an urge to comfort her. It seemed so odd that the girl was left alone in a hospital with nobody to support her.
Perhaps I could walk to her, ask her why she is so upset, and speak a couple of words of kindness. Perhaps I can even get her a coffee or something!!!

I stopped my line of thinking. How will a girl feel when a stranger approaches and starts enquiring about her personal life? I decided there was nothing much I could about it. Involuntarily I muttered to myself “ My God, please help her”

By this time I was very near to the room. I could see it was the ICU.
Now I could see there were a lot more people who were waiting outside with confusion written all over their faces. Couple of medical staff hurriedly made their way in to the room. There was one hospital staff asking the crowd outside to stay out of the way sternly yet politely. Some people made a brief movement in deference to the request.
But the girl didn’t seem to hear the words. She continued to stare into the room.
Then she turned her face away from the room.

Now I was just a few yards away from her. My eyes were fixed on her as I walked past the room. She looked around with an uncaring look and soon caught my eye.
There was no change of expression in her face as I quickly started looking in front of me into the corridor. I walked without looking at her for a while and when I looked back after a few minutes, she was not there.

The meeting with my friend went as I had expected. We caught up with our lost times and discussed about many things. We had tea in the canteen as we enquired each other about what our other classmates were doing. I was always looking around hoping to find that girl again.

Soon it was time for me to leave. We promised to meet regularly and after enquiries about each other’s family, I started towards the parking lot.
The girl’s face flashed in my mind as I was riding on the support road on my way to the main road.
I noted there was a tanker lorry coming on the opposite side of the narrow road in which I was riding.
There was a huge pothole a few feet before me. I decided to circumvent the hole by riding around it from the right side. I knew if I could accelerate a bit I could do it well before my bike met the tanker lorry. I twisted the accelerator and focused. But as I was about to bank to the left corner I could see that the lorry was a lot closer to me than I had anticipated. The driver had been driving a lot faster than I had guessed. I realized this is going to be tighter than I had thought.
The cleaner who was seated beside the driver started banging on the door and the lorry let out disorienting sound from the horn. My heart started beating faster.
There was no way I am going to clear this. I swerved violently to the left slanting the bike to my left hand side. It was very very hard to keep the balance. I couldn’t see anything other than the big yellow chassis of the lorry. It looked as if I could just get through. Just then I lost my balance.
I felt my head banging with something very hard and after a second I was thrown away from the road. There was unbearable pain in my head. I could barely open my eyes and wasn’t able to make sense of anything. I could feel my blood trickling down my neck
Then I fell unconscious.

To be continued…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Destination Unknown – part II

When I got back to my senses, I realized I was moving.
But I was not walking .In fact I wasn’t even feeling the ground under my feet.
All I could see was that the hospital getting nearer to me.

I was drifting!!!!!!!!
I was being carried away by the wind.
The feeling was nothing like I had felt before!! The sights and sounds were so calm and unobtrusive. More like a movie. The only difference here is that I was part of it.

Gently yet swiftly I was being carried away by the hands of breeze.
It seemed I wasn’t having any control on whatever was happening to me!!!

Then for the first time I wondered!!!! Am I Dead?????

The first thought that came to my mind was. Who will take care of my parents????

Soon my pace got slower and I was into the outside courtyard of the hospital near the gates. An ambulance rushed past through me!!!!
I knew it must be the one, which had my body.

I was wandering aimlessly, powered and steered by the wind. I had a deep interest to see my body. But it was difficult to force myself into the hospital against the wind. I couldn’t imagine how to find my body in the thousands of wards anyway!! Roaming around in the campus was easier. I wanted to see my parents. I knew I couldn’t bear to see them in distress. But somehow I wanted to talk to them and reassure them!!!!!
Damn!!! I should have been more careful!! I should have worn a helmet!!!
All these thoughts banged me from all sides. I also felt it was too late now!!!

All the while it was getting easier to hold myself against the wind. I was getting heavier or whatever I could call it!!!

Suddenly there was strong breeze and I sailed towards a bunch of trees.
There I saw her seated on a rock!!!!


Oh my God!! What is she doing in such a lonely spot? She was looking a little darker now. Even the dress looked darker. Will she be able to see me?
As if to answer my question she turned her head towards me. I drifted with the wind and placed myself on a nearby rock. I was able to hold to the rock now.
She was still looking at me!!!

“Uh…you can see me??” I was startled by my own voice.
It was …….. What can I say?? Ghostly!!!!!!!!!

She smiled and soon it turned into a chuckle.
It hit me!! She was dead too.


“I am sorry. I didn’t know you were…. I mean!!!! … See it’s not too bad!!!!” I started of trying to comfort her and realized I was making a real fool of myself.

She smiled.
“It’s ok!! “so saying she turned towards the breeze.

Is that it??? I was expecting her to tell me so much. I needed answers and for some reason I felt as if she knew them all. But I realized she could be just as confused as I was. I wanted to ask her how she died but figured that was not such a sweet question to ask a girl.

“This is heaven or hell??” I was trying to lighten up the atmosphere.
“What makes you think it should be either of the two??”


I had never thought in those lines. All my life I have just heard that, you die, you either go to heaven and enjoy or go to hell and get punished.
What if there is no heaven or hell!! What if there are some more places other than just heaven and hell??

The thought was too much for my brain to think. Then I realized I wasn’t having a brain anyway!!!

“So we just wait here until somebody pick us up??” I smiled.
She didn’t reply. Perhaps she had realized it was waste of time and energy to talk to me.

“Wow this is so cool!!! I mean…. Never have I been so unsure of what is going to happen, why, when, how!!!! You know……. This is so ….”
I wasn’t able to complete. The feeling was too incredible to explain.

“That only shows how foolish you have been” she replied calmly.
I knew my ignorance would be revealed sooner or later,

“Is it?? Why would you say that??” I was glad that we were picking up a conversation.

She shook her head.
“Was there anytime in your life when you were sure about the purpose of creation? I mean this immaculately designed body, millions of other species, placed in a small planet, packed inside a solar system with a variety of planets, revolving around a small star amidst zillions and zillions of other stars and galaxies in an amalgamation we call as Universe. A universe, or three of them, four of them who knows??? Who knows how big it is???
“Who knows why there are billions and billions of this stuff around us. Who can say why there can be one less or one extra?
“Who can say why an innocent child has to go through the pain of seeing his parents killed right before his eyes???
“Who can say why a 4 year old kid had to die of starvation in Africa, all the while watching the vulture which is waiting for him to die so that it can eat on his flesh?
“You tell me it’s his bad Karma??? What sin did he do??
“You tell me it’s the sin from the previous birth??
“Why did he have to take the previous birth???
“Where did it all start??? Why did it all start????

“You tell me you don’t believe in God / religion???
“You tell me the entire universe started from “Big Bang”???
“Ok, tell me who made “cosmic egg” .Why did it explode??

“Did you ever ask yourself where did you come from?? Have you ever wondered where you will be going??
“Our life was like we were walking along a road, which is more like a tunnel. All sides were covered by huge walls, which blocked any view on the sides. We could see scores of people walking and we were just walking with them. Nobody knew where he or she is going and we were just walking with the others. We could see people were added and were removed. Someone tells you there is heaven and hell and you agree. You can’t prove or disprove what he/she says. And, those people who are good in arguing ward off any question regarding this and you will be branded as a heretic. Nobody knows the answer and nobody would agree that. We could see that some people had an easy way and some have it tough. Some help others and suffer. Some just have their way on other people’s body and walk away scot-free.
Was there a pattern?? Was there an explanation?? Was there a surety??
Go inside this hospital. Go to the maternity ward. Just look at the babies. Some are born healthy and some are born lame. Some are intelligent and some are dumb. Some get better lives some don’t. Some are born in rich families and some are born in families where they have to struggle for the next meal.
“Did any of these babies want to be created?? Did any of these babies created its own soul and decided to place it self in someone’s womb??”

She suddenly noticed I was flabbergasted. I didn’t realize I was staring at her with my mouth open. Well what can I say??? I wasn’t able to think. There were simply too many questions.

“Rama!!! Dei Rama!!!”
I heard some feeble voices from a distance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Destination Unknown – part III

“Rama……..”
The voice died down. I could recognize that it was my friend Sathish’s voice.

There was a searing pain in my head!!!! I held my head with both hands and closed my eyes tightly as I was unable to bear it.

“Rama……Can you hear me????”

The voice was a lot clearer now.
I tried to open my eyes. My eyelids were very very heavy. With great difficulty I opened my eyes.
I could see Sathish bending on to me with couple of other doctors standing beside him.
I was on a bed and there was an oxygen mask covering my face. I could smell the strong scent of anesthetic. I felt that my head was covered with bandage. I was generally feeling very tired and there was pain from my left leg apart from the intense pain from the head. Otherwise I was fine.

“Wow!!!! Thank god!!! You are fine, you feeling ok???”. Sathish enquired.
I shook my head up and down very slowly.

“My …………parents…………”
I tried to speak but I could only end up moving my lips and weakly raise my right hand.
He seemed to have understood what I wanted to say.

“ They are waiting right outside. You don’t worry about them. They shall meet you later. You should take a lot of rest now.
“My God !!! It’s a miracle that you have even survived!! All thanks to doctor Ganesh”

One of gentlemen standing beside Sathish nodded humbly as acknowledgement with a smile.
I looked at the guy and wanted to say thanks. But involuntarily my eyes closed and I fell asleep soon afterwards.

I must have slept for a fairly long time, because when I woke up the lighting in the room had changed drastically.
I suddenly remembered my experience after the accident. Was I dreaming?? Was it real??
I figured that it definitely could not be a dream. I felt spooky as I thought more about it.

Poor girl!!!! It seemed I had provoked her when she was deeply engrossed in some serious thinking about life and death. That explains the barrage of words and arguments.
Jesus!!! She must have been really disturbed by something!!

Coming to think of it whatever she had said made sense. I was just living for the sake Life with no idea about the origin and destination!!!
I had absolutely no answers to a lot of questions.
It was weird to realize that nobody bothers to think about these things!

The enormity of my ignorance about life seemed to make all the things I had held to be serious as trivial.
We feel great when something works out, we feel bad when things go bad. But how do we know whether something is Good/Bad, right/wrong??? Things that momentarily seem like a pain might actually turn out to be a blessing and vice versa. Guess there is not much to be delighted or dejected about anything. Things just happen and we would never know whether it’s good or bad.
Guess we should learn to just smile on both occasions, pick up whatever is left and carry on with our lives. Just be sincere to ourselves and do the best we can and stop worrying about whether it will work or not. Because no matter what happens, we don’t know whether it is actually good or bad and worrying about it will only prevent us from enjoying our lives!!!!
All this sounds very good in paper and is very easier said than done. But if someone can assimilate this and try to live on these lines then he/she can prevent herself/himself from a lot of disappointments. This will never be a consolation to the boy who lost his parents in Kashmir or the kid who had to die a gruesome death in Africa, but it’s a feasible policy for quite a few of us.

My parents met me the next day. My mom was crying and I had to console her saying that I was alright. Sathish was right behind her assuring that I shall get well soon. I resolved I shall be more careful with my life from here on in!!

All the while I was hoping to catch a glimpse of that girl somehow, but it seemed she had been isolated more out of the living world. I simply wished her soul to rest in peace. I knew I had to talk about my experience to someone.

I got the chance when Sathish came to my room one day to administer an injection. As I was talking to him he started smiling!!

“Dei!!! All this is common when you have had a head injury. People go through such hallucinations when they have had a NDE”
I looked at him with a blank face.
“Near Death Experience” he smiled as he injected onto my right hand.

I figured that not many people would believe me when I say that I got to discuss philosophy with a ghost!!! I decided not to talk about it to anyone to save myself from a few more lectures about NDE.

Just then I saw her. She peeped out behind Sathish and started smiling at me!!

My eyes grew wider; I wanted to call out her name and then remembered I didn’t know her name. I slowly opened my mouth to ask Sathish to turn back.
But she soon put her right index finger on her beautiful lips, which were smiling gently.
She waved her hand as if to say “Bye” and pronounced the word without making any noise
and then she disappeared.

That was the last time I ever saw her.

The End.

The Book

The Book – part I



It was Sunday and I was busy rearranging my dad’s shelves. It’s a routine in our home to carry out cleaning and other house related activities in the morning before we settle for a hot, mouth-watering lunch from my mom in the afternoon. There was one book in the third shelf, which stood out from the usual spiritual/religious books that take up 99% of my dad’s collection. It was a fairly thick big with a red binding. There were just the words “Bugs and fixes”. I enquired my mom about the book and she replied that this must be one of my computer related books. I had a glance through the pages and found out that it was a work of fiction. It looked more like a novel than anything else. Strangely there was no mention of the author or publishers. I kept it aside to be read at a later. I soon forgot about it as I continued to rearrange the shelf.

After the tedious work, I had a fresh bath and sumptuous meal. As I came back to my room after the lunch my eyes fell on that red book. I wanted to have a look into it but was too sleepy to start reading. When I got up from my nap, I realized I was getting late for the movie, which I had planned to go with my friends. After a memorable evening with friends I came back home late at night. My eyes fell on the book again as I was getting into my nightdress. I decided to catch up some sleep, as I was not in a mood to start reading a novel. Unlike other books, novels require a lot of attention in the beginning so that we can grasp the characters, situation and feel of the story and continue with the other chapters.

The next day I got up later than usual. I remembered that I had a training session to attend, which meant I had to go to the office fairly earlier than usual. I hurriedly got ready for the office. I looked at the book as I was wearing my belt. My mind was itching to know more about the book. I decided to read a page or two to get the feel of the story.
I randomly chose a page in the middle and started reading.
********************
“Good bye!” she wished the colleagues in her cubicle and started walking towards the entrance with her friend. I was wondering whether she realized that I am standing up and waiting to be wished good-bye as she left. She was busy talking and laughing and didn’t seem to notice me at all. Is she not able to see me or is she just ignoring me?? I felt it was more of the latter!! A streak of pain hit like a micro lightning into my heart. I couldn’t figure how she could remain so insensitive to my feelings. I felt like calling out to her and wish her good bye , but I was afraid to. What if I call and she does not turn back?? What’s the worth if I have to make her look at me?? Shouldn’t she feel it within herself?
She was fast approaching the exit. All the while she wasn’t even attempting to look at me. I was just watching her get closer to the entrance with my head rested on my palm, which was planted on the sidewalls of the cubicle.
Just when she was about to leave the room and was about to leave my line of sight, She looked back. Was she looking at me or was it just a cursory glance at the room as she was leaving? It seemed as if she wanted to see whether I was watching her. I smiled and drew an imaginary circle with my fingers without lifting my head, signaling a friendly bye. She seemed to have noticed it and her smile grew bigger, or so I thought. That was the last thing I could see before the momentum took her past the entrance and away from my sight. I heaved a sigh and sat down. I couldn’t concentrate on my work for a while.
********************
The chapter had ended. There were mixed emotions in my heart. Firstly there was a deep pain, which had brought a tear in my eye. Secondly I was in great shock.
This was an exact depiction of what had happened in my life. I turned a few pages and started reading again. After a few seconds I closed the book with the urgency of a firefighter.
My God!!!! I can’t read this chapter. This is the chapter I want to forget.

What is this book??? Who wrote this??? How come it’s like my personal diary?? How could someone know the deepest secrets of my life and write the way exactly I had felt.
I got curious and wanted to open up the last page of the book. Just then I heard footsteps.
It was my mom.
“What are you doing? Aren’t you getting late for office? I remember you were saying that you have to go early today!!! Breakfast is ready”

“Yes ma!!!!”
I kept the book on the table and went to the dining table.

I was bewildered.
I was confused.
I couldn’t think.

Will somebody believe me if I told them about this book??
I looked at my mom. I shook my head. I can’t tell her, she will definitely be confused and worried.
Soon I got on my bike and started to my office and all the way I was thinking about the book. How the hell could someone know all this?? How can somebody know what I felt and write it as a book!!!!
Am I dreaming!!????

After reaching office I forgot as to which hall the training was in!!! I was 1-2 minutes late for the session, as I had to gather that information. I felt real sorry for being late and sneaked in without looking at the instructor.

After a few minutes into the session I asked some dumb question at the instructor. I persisted even after being given an initial explanation for my “doubt”. This should do the trick. Now I can be sure of not being bothered for the rest of the session.
My mind briefly wandered over the memories of the incident about which I read from the book that morning. I decided not to dwell upon it. But I couldn’t get any logical explanation about the book itself.

In the evening I was in the office canteen with my friend Selvi whom I call as “Shelley”. That’s because she writes wonderful poems. I know Shelley is a man but Selvi doesn’t look much like a girl anyway!!!
“Trust me madam!! It was …. Like…its Unbelievable”, I took a sip of hot chocolate.

Shelley was busy munching sweet corn.
“azre yhzhaaar , yzu aazh jsshht imaazhgining!!!!”
The words were pretty badly meshed up as it came out of her mouth full of “Sweet corn”

There was vibration in my pant pocket. I had kept the mobile in silent mode.
The number in the mobile was something I hadn’t seen before.

“Hello!!??”
“Hi, you doing fine???”

The voice was familiar. It was a male voice.

“Yeah. I am fine thanks. May I know who is this??”
“You will know soon enough. Meet me in 1 hr at the shiva temple near your home, don’t forget to bring the book”

I almost spilled the hot chocolate from my mouth. How did he know about the book?? Shelley is the only person to whom I have told about the book.
“hey.. who is this??”
“Cant you wait for just one hour??? And one more thing,whatever you do DO NOT read anymore from the book”
The line went dead.

I looked at my watch. I could make it just in time if I left NOW.


To be continued………

The book – part II

My mind was in total chaos as I was traveling back to home.
Who is this guy?? Does he want to black mail me with this book!!!!!???
I laughed out loud at that thought the next instant. I do imagine too much.

But what does he want from me??
Why did he ask me not to read anymore from the book???
Is this some kind of black magic??
Will this open up some evil spell that would start a chain reaction of “Armageddon” proportions??
God!!! Why do I always think in an exaggerated fashion?

I decided to rest my mind for a while and find out the answers for my questions during the meeting.
What if he never turns up!!! My mind started again!!
Oh shut up!! I told my mind.

I got up startled, as my bus was nearing the place of drop. I had fallen into a gentle nap as the bus was struggling through the heavy traffic. It was about time.

I went to my room and took the book.
“You going somewhere?? Why don’t you have a tea before going anywhere?” it was my mom.
“No ma, got to meet a friend”
I kicked started my bike.

The Shiva temple was just 5 mins ride from my home. It was an ancient temple built in 10th century by some king from Chola dynasty.
I loved the ambience of the place. It was fairly dark when I reached the temple.

I could see a person standing as I went towards the entrance. He looked as if he was 40-45 years old.
He had a long face and he was cleanly shaved. He had cut short his hair so much that it looked as if he had tonsured his head recently. He was fair and was wearing a dark coloured pyjama kurta . He was of an average height and was having a slightly bigger belly, otherwise he was fairly thin.
The resemblance was unmistakable. He was looking exactly like what I would be like, at the age of 40.
I slowed down as I neared him and felt like I was watching a ghost.
He smiled at me and said.
“Relax!! I know you will be confused. Let’s have the darshan of the deity and then we shall talk. You got the book na??” he enquired.
“yeah.. Its in the side box of the bike”, I replied as I studied his facial features without seeing anywhere else as if I was in a trance.

I could notice that his mannerisms were more like mine but were a lot slower and with more assurance.

After 10 minutes we were sitting at the banks of the temple’s tank with the red book in my hand.

He looked at me with all kindness and started talking.
“Let me take this!!” so saying he took the book from my hands.
I was too startled to protest.

“You like it????” he enquired.
I was staring at him with confusion and didn’t feel like saying anything.
“Of course you would like it!!! It your story na??!!!”
he smiled and continued.
“I mean, our story”

My head was spinning. What is going on here???
He seemed to have read my confusion.

“Ever heard of time travel, kid???”
“Yes, a very popular science fiction, which some people say will never happen”
“Why??”
“Grand father paradox! What if I go back in time and kill my grandfather before he conceives my dad?? That will be a paradoxical situation. If my grandfather is dead then my dad won’t be there and resultantly I won’t be there. But if I am not there then I can’t go back in time and kill my grand father!!! That’s the paradox. That’s why some scientists say time travel can never be possible.”
“Very Good!!, Can you think of any other idea by which we can work around this paradox?”
“Yes ! Some scientists support the theory of parallel universes. In which there are separate dimensions for past present and future, so if someone goes to the past and does something that will only affect that dimension and not his dimension.”

“Bingo!!!, now let me tell you a little secret kid.”
I raised my head and looked at his face.

“the stuff you just said…….. Its not fiction… its real. As real as you and me”
I was not able to believe it.

“I am from the other dimension you were talking about. You become a writer at the age of 40, which is me!!! And by the time we humans have figured out a way to travel back in time and land up in other dimensions. I came here couple of days back as I was curious to find out about you. In other words I traveled back in time and landed up in this universe!! I brought my draft autobiography with me to see how much you match with me. I even broke into your house and after looking at you went back without a trace. But I had left my book in your home by mistake. Our mom must have kept it in our dad’s shelf from where you found out about it. I saw you reading from the book as I spied your home today morning. So I decided to give a call to you and get it back.
Are we clear now???”

I shook my head more out of confusion.
I wanted to ask him too many questions but when I thought there was nothing I wanted to ask. I realized I was just going through disbelief than doubt.
I suddenly remembered something
“Why did you ask me not to read anymore??”
“Because, I don’t want you to lose the suspense in your life. The greatest thing about life is that it has got suspense.”
He looked at me long and hard for a while and let out an “all knowing” smile!!

I wanted to ask him a thousand things about my future.
He seemed to have read my thought.
“I don’t know what to say kid , but trust me, everything will be alright in the end and you wont regret about it”
I was not sure what did he really mean by it.

“Ok!! Time to leave” he got up.
“hey when will we meet again???” I asked him.

He smiled at me and said “Never”
“And one more thing” he continued. “Don’t tell this to anyone”
“why?? That will blow the cover of your dimension???” I was getting naughty.

“No , nobody will trust you and the next time I will have to meet you at Ervadi*”, he smiled but he sounded more serious than I would have liked him to be.

He started walking and soon he was out of my sight and so was the book.

*Ervadi - a lunatic asylum in tamilnadu known for its harsh living conditions.

The End.

Highs and Humiliations

Highs and humiliations – part I

I cursed myself for being so unassertive when I entered the campus. I was overawed as I saw the lawns, playgrounds, the people etc etc .
Everything was so much different from what I had seen in my school. Just one of the playgrounds in the campus was 10 times bigger than the whole of my school size. I felt like crying. There were a thousand butterflies in my stomach and I felt like running away from the place. I hadn’t expected this when my English teacher entered the Vth C classroom one fine day.
She apologized for interrupting the class and started addressing the class.
“Alright people!! We have got an invitation from a school in the city for an elocution competition in English. They are conducting this in remembrance of a student who met a tragic death recently”
I could recall the incident from what I had seen in the news. One of the students of a high profile school was kidnapped for ransom and was killed recently. I had felt real bad about the incident.

“So, who is volunteering for the competition?”, the teacher’s voice resonated in the room.
Quite a few people in the class looked at me. I had been topping the English marks for a while now and was known as the most talkative guy in the whole school. That somehow seemed to suggest them that I would be volunteering. They should be crazy. I can’t get into something this big. Hell!! I don’t even know where this school is and how big it is!

“Let me correct myself. Who else is volunteering other than Ramanujam??”, the teacher continued.
Ramanujam, isn’t that my name??? Oh my God!!!!!!!!!

I looked at her bewildered.
“What are you looking at?? Your name is there in the list, of course. The principal asked me to add your name as soon as she saw the invitation.”
“But ma’am!!! I don’t know anything!!! I don’t want to go.”
“I don’t know about all that, talk to the principal if you have anything to say”.
That does it!!! She knows that I wouldn’t dare to be anywhere near the principal’s room.
I had an unexplainable fear of authority. In fact I was fearful of everything and anything.
A couple of pathetic souls actually volunteered for the massacre for some reason, which I couldn’t figure out.
I let out a final call of mercy as she left the room after registering the names. She didn’t even turn back. It looked like she didn’t hear my voice.
I assumed that she wouldn’t have added my name. After all, this is a democratic country; nobody can force me to do anything against my will!!! So I thought!! How stupid of me.

I got reminded of the competition one day before the day it was to happen. It was from my dear English teacher again.
“Ok Ramanujam, the school van will leave at 7.00 am sharp to drop you at the place, so make sure you make yourself available at 6.30-6.45”, her voice was clear as crystal. I always admired her for that.
“Ok ma’am!!” I replied.
Everything is fine but for what? After mustering up the courage I asked her.

“What is it for??”
She looked at me a little angrily. I regretted for having asked the question.
“Don’t be silly Ramanujam!!! It’s for that competition I told you about. You have been preparing for it, isn’t it??”
My blood froze.
“But I didn’t volunteer for it!!!”
She stared at me.
“Please ma’am!! Please let me go. I haven’t prepared. I don’t want to go. I shall prepare next time” my voice was breaking up.
“How dare you to tell me that you haven’t prepared?? I have told the principal that you are going. Inform the principal if you are not going”, so saying, she started walking.

After walking for a while she looked back at me and said “ the van leaves at 7 am sharp”

That night I felt so miserable. The next day I went to the school like a lamb marked for sacrifice.

Thus I am in this place, which is like a new planet to me. All the girls were wearing full pants and shirt as uniform, which I hadn’t heard of before. All the students were speaking high quality English with a foreign accent. I realized this when I had a real tough time negotiating with these people with my butler English as I tried to find the way to the restroom.

Soon I entered the hall where the competition was to be held for my level.
It was just a classroom but it looked like a huge hall in comparison to the classes in my school. The parents of some participants had arrived and they were seated at the backbenches behind all the contestants.

There was some introduction and soon the first contestant was invited to speak. I was very glad it wasn’t me. As he started speaking there was some ruffle at the back seat. Amidst the commotion I figured that the topic was printed with the wrong spelling in the invitation.

Perfect!!!! This keeps getting better and better.

Finally the judges decided that they shall allow the contestants to speak in the topic printed in the invitation. I was busy, trying to remember what the topic was.

One by one, each contestant was called. I went through unexplainable trauma as I waited every time for the name to be called out only to find out that it’s not my name. Each contestant spoke for the allotted time and went towards the guy on the side to receive their participation certificates amidst the applause.

The waves can jump and play in the sea as long as it wants but it has to reach the shore some time or the other. Soon my name was called out.

To be continued………

Highs and humiliations – part II

I stood up. I felt everybody in the hall was looking at me. I closed my eyes and begged God to give me a Cyanide capsule so that I can swallow it and end what I was going through.
After a while as the judges started staring at me, I realized I have to walk to the podium.
I slowly moved towards the podium and stood in front of the mike. One of the student volunteers lowered the mike to fit my low stature.
I looked at all the faces in front of me. They were eagerly looking at me and somehow I felt they were expecting something special from me.
I lost all power in my legs. My legs were trembling. I was sure I was going to fall down anytime.
The only words that I felt like saying at that time were “can somebody please kill me this instant”
I figured I couldn’t say that.

“Good morning”
I remembered that Swami Vivekananda had once addressed the gathering during one of his speeches in America as “Brothers and sisters”. Should I start that way? I realized this was not the time to think about it.

“Good …….morning…..friends”, I blurted out.
“And parents”, I added as I saw the parents at the back.
“And judges”, I suddenly remembered that the judges were looking at me very attentively from the side.
Shouldn’t the judges be addressed first in any elocution competition? Damn!! I forgot it.
Thank fully my English teacher was not there. Or else I would have been instantly turned to ash by her looks.
On second thoughts, I realized that would have been more preferable than what I was going through.

My heart was beating at a rate, which I had never felt before.
“We have gathered here, on this wonderful day for the competition, on…..”
I forgot the topic.

“To talk about…...”
I suddenly remembered the topic.

What kind of a ridiculous topic is this anyway???? Can’t they have something like “My School”,”My Pet” or something?

“We are here to talk about…”
My mind went blank.

Humans think in terms of words and sentences and at that moment there was just a blank full sheet paper in my mind screen.
“I………….”
“I……………………”

God !!! That was the most humiliating moment of whatever little life I have lived.
Not to mention the confusion I was going through.

After a few seconds of silence I decided to speak out at last.
“Thanks”
“Thank you very much………”
These were the only words that came out of my mouth.

The audience was stunned. They were blinking at me as if they were struck by a lightning.
I think they were not sure what to do. They wouldn’t have expected anything like this to happen.
I was looking at the floor for sometime and to cover myself from the glare of the onlookers, I started to head towards my place ever so slowly.
“Ramanujam”, one of the judges called out.
“Are you done???”
“I ……. I am………Yes,iam done”

He didn’t speak for a while.
“hmmm……Please collect your certificate”

The participation certificate!!

Should I receive it? Haven’t I irreparably damaged the name of my school?? Haven’t I brought disrepute to my English teacher whom I admire and respect so much?? Haven’t I made a mockery of this event by being a complete idiot amidst all these serious minded contestants who have prepared for this competition meticulously??

All these questions were too much for a simple kid of fifth standard, who grew up in a silent suburb without much exposure.
I walked towards the person who was handing out the participation certificates. I was looking at the floor all the while. I sensed that there was hesitation from the person. I saw him uneasily looking at the judge as I looked up. He found the certificate with my name in the heap and pulled out to give to me.
“XYZ matriculation??” he enquired as he tried to verify whether he had the right certificate.
My heart was crushed. I had let my school down.
I rushed back to my seat without looking at anyone and sat in my place with my head hung low. I tried hard to make sure the tears don’t drop on the certificate.

After two more contestants had their chance, a break was announced. Not surprisingly, I was the first one to leave the room. I ran away from the place before anybody could see me.
That was the day; I decided that I would never make any presentation ever again.

Epilogue


Things have changed a lot since that unforgettable day. I haven’t become a master of public speaking but things are a lot better now.
I was asked to prepare a presentation for a meeting in which my entire department was participating with just one day’s notice. My department spanned over a lot of locations including Bangalore and Croydon (UK). The folks in the other locations were to be connected via videoconferencing.
There was the same nervousness when I got my turn to speak.
But the presentation went well.
My speech got a mention in the closing note given by the department head and I even got an appreciation from my PM. I received congratulation mails from friends who hadn’t been in touch for a while.
I smiled as I “shift deleted” my replies to those mails. I can only think of the incident that happened one cloudy day when I was studying in my fifth standard.

Errors and exceptions, highs and humiliations are all part of life. If I had assumed wrongly that I could never do a decent presentation, based on that day’s happenings that would have been a terrible mistake.
I can only pray to God to keep reminding me of this incident for two reasons.

Firstly I can remember it during my good times and don’t let my success to make me proud.
Secondly I can remember it during my bad times and realize that things can always improve no matter how bad it looks.


The End